


Those Who Trust: Yours And Mine

by theshyauthor



Series: Those Who Trust [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: BDSM, Betaed, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Those Who Trust Timestamp, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-22 04:19:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13159143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theshyauthor/pseuds/theshyauthor
Summary: So this thought sneaks into Phil’s mind more and more often as time goes by, and in the most random moments. When Dan laughs, when Dan looks peaceful next to him as he’s asleep, when Dan steals his coffee and complains that it tastes disgusting, when Dan scolds him for not listening. And eventually, Phil accepts that it’s something that he wants, something that he had never wanted before but now almost needs. Achingly longs for. But he needs courage in order to go through with it, so he goes to PJ for advice, because no one in this world knows Dan better than PJ.“I want to propose,“ Phil says, comfortably sprawled out on PJ’s blue couch, and PJ nearly chokes on his tea“You want to do what now?““Propose. I want to marry Dan. Why are you so surprised?“





	Those Who Trust: Yours And Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Happy one year anniversary of the end of “Those Who Trust“. Unless you saw me teasing this on tumblr, this should come to you as a surprise. It's been so weird to come back to these characters, but also so good. This one-shot is set between the last two chapters, and I really hope that you enjoy it. :) x

The first thing Phil feels when he rolls to the other side of the bed only to be met with cold sheets is disappointment. Dan rarely gets out of bed before he does, especially during weekdays. The perks of being a university student, he used to say to Phil teasingly, back when he still attended university. The perks of working in publishing, is what he now says teasingly whenever Phil complains about it. But Phil loves that Dan is usually still in bed when he wakes up, because he enjoys nothing more than to cuddle into Dan’s side for a few extra minutes in the morning, before his alarm clock rings a second time and forces him to be a responsible adult and get out of bed. 

The second thing he feels is worry, because it really is unusual for Dan to be up before him. Was it a nightmare that made Dan leave the comfort of their shared bed in Phil’s room to seek solitude in his own bed? But Phil is a light sleeper—he usually wakes up before Dan does when he’s had a nightmare, mainly due to the thrashing around on Dan’s part. Could Phil really have slept through it?

When he eventually gets out of bed, Phil finds Dan sitting in the lounge, nursing a cup of coffee that’s full of milk and sugar, just how Dan likes it best and Phil likes it least. Dan doesn’t drink coffee when he feels anxious, claiming that it only makes his heart race and hands shake, so him drinking one right now eases Phil’s mind on the topic of nightmares.

“Good morning,“ Phil murmurs, and leans close to place a soft kiss on slightly chapped lips that faintly taste of sugary coffee. “How come you’re awake before me?“

Phil knows that Dan knows that what he actually wants to ask is if Dan has had a nightmare. If he’s okay. 

“Woke up for no reason and couldn’t fall back asleep, so I thought I might as well get some work done,“ Dan answers, voice quiet and sounding raspy and tired. Tired maybe from a lack of sleep, although Phil supposes that the raspiness might come from last night’s activities. There’s a love bite on Dan’s neck that’s definitely going to be visible for a few days to come, and Phil subconsciously rubs the spot to the left of his throat where he suspects his matching hickey to be. 

Phil hums, content with the answer, and leaves for the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee as well - black, because anything else is a disgrace for coffee - and then gets ready for work. Before he leaves the flat, he wishes Dan goodbye with another kiss that lingers a bit longer than the first. 

“I’ll see you later,“ he says.

“I’m looking forward to it,“ Dan replies, and even though they’ve been dating for years, Phil’s heart still flutters at those words. As he’s going down the stairs of their flat, he thinks that the idea of Dan being there when he returns from work for the rest of his life is something he really wants...

These thoughts had come slowly, sneaking up on Phil when he wasn’t paying attention, but now he can’t shake them. Staying with Dan forever…that’s what he wants. He can’t imagine a life without him in it anymore. It’s impossible. He’s not just Phil anymore, he’s one half of Phil-and-Dan, and somehow, against all odds, and despite the obstacles in their way, they’d still made it. They both have their faults - like the way Dan’s always late for everything - but they’ve both come to accept the other’s shortcomings. They’re happy and content being with each other, and sometimes Phil thinks that -

It’s a thought he never really dares to finish, because for some reason he’s scared of the results that might come out of it. Scared of rejection, probably. Phil tries to shake off the thought when he steps outside into the cold London air, but it never leaves him entirely, sticks to him in the tube like another passenger in a too crowded train car that’s pressed against his side.

___

While Phil prides himself in the fact that he’s usually quick to spot the signs that Dan’s not doing well, there are times he misses them and doesn’t notice until it’s too late. Sometimes Dan’s ashamed and he tries to hide those signs, and it’s not until Dan is tense and looking at Phil with distrust, but not actually looking at Phil but at a memory that he can’t seem to realize is the past and not the present, that he realizes. And then Dan is out of the door of their flat, and Phil receives a message from PJ a while later letting him know that Dan will be staying over at his flat for the night.

Phil tries his best to be the partner that Dan needs - he really does - but sometimes he gets the feeling that he’s not enough. That he’s exactly what Dan doesn’t need. The doubts still linger in his mind even after years of being together; Phil thinks they’ll never entirely leave, not as long as there are times where Dan looks at Phil like he’s the bad guy. Like he’s the monster. 

But Dan will never stop looking at Phil like this, not until Phil entirely quits the BDSM scene. Phil knows that, but he also knows that he won’t ever be able to quit completely. Especially now that, with the help of PJ, he actually contributes to the safety of the BDSM scene. It’s an odd arrangement, him and PJ. Who would have ever thought that the two of them would scene together? Certainly not Phil. But they give workshops at the Dungeon now, as well as other BDSM clubs all over London. They teach the importance of consent, the right techniques so neither the dominant nor the submissive end up getting hurt, and how to provide relevant aftercare. Of course, there’s a sexual aspect to their performances at times, but it’s never about getting off. These workshops they do, they help them still stay in the scene and find that release they need, while being faithful to their significant others. It’s an odd arrangement that works for them, and that’s all that counts. And maybe PJ deals with the guilt he feels for Dan’s captivity this way, and maybe Phil deals with the guilt he feels in the way he acted towards Dan when they first met in this way, but if they do, they both never mention it to each other. But they do pride themselves in hopefully making the community a safer place, and Dan - though it’s hard for him to admit it - has also acknowledged that he’s proud of them for what they do. That he wished he’d attended workshops like theirs when he was new to the scene, because maybe then the events that haunt his past would have been prevented. 

Still, Phil thinks that Dan would prefer if he quit entirely. But Phil can’t. He simply can’t. 

“I had to look over a script that had non-consensual acts in it, and it just kind of threw me off,“ Dan murmurs into the crook of Phil’s neck as the other man presses a kiss on the top of his head and rubs his back after a particular bad day, telling Dan that it’s okay and that he understands. 

Phil thinks from time to time that he’s figured out by now what triggers Dan and what doesn’t, and that the trigger game is like Minesweeper and that he’s exceptionally good at it by now, especially when it comes to them being intimate, but then an external factor influences Dan, something that Phil doesn’t have the opportunity to shield Dan from in any way, and suddenly Phil is the bad guy again. Although he’s never been the bad guy in the first place. It’s complicated, but even if Dan’s entire life was made up out of bad days only, Phil would never love him less for it.

Dan always returns the next day after fleeing with a single purple tulip and an apology.  
___

So this thought sneaks into Phil’s mind more and more often as time goes by, and in the most random moments. When Dan laughs, when Dan looks peaceful next to him as he’s asleep, when Dan steals his coffee and complains that it tastes disgusting, when Dan scolds him for not listening. And eventually, Phil accepts that it’s something that he wants, something that he had never wanted before but now almost needs. Achingly longs for. But he needs courage in order to go through with it, so he goes to PJ for advice, because no one in this world knows Dan better than PJ. 

“I want to propose,“ Phil says, comfortably sprawled out on PJ’s blue couch, and PJ nearly chokes on his tea

“You want to do what now?“

“Propose. I want to marry Dan. Why are you so surprised?“

Phil has never even considered that Dan might say no. Of course he’s scared that it could happen, but they’re in love and they’re happy. But PJ’s reaction makes him start to doubt himself. PJ is Dan’s best friend after all. If he reacts like that, he must know something that Phil doesn’t. And Phil knows that whatever worries Dan has, he’ll always confide in PJ. They have that kind of relationship that’s full of trust, and Phil can’t say that he’s not jealous from time to time. But then again, he does understand why Dan relies on PJ the way he does. PJ’s been with him through the hardest time of Dan’s life, and Phil is sometimes still nothing more than the monster in his closet. 

PJ shakes his head. “You just surprised me, is all. Where’s that thought even coming from? I remember Dan telling me that you thought marriage was nothing more than an unnecessary piece of paper.“

That is the truth - to a certain extent. Or more like, it used to be the truth until Phil met Dan. He’s never met someone before who made him as happy as Dan does. And it doesn’t come as a surprise that Phil wants to marry him, does it? They’ve been dating for years. When Dan graduated university, Phil was next to his parents in the audience, watching with pride as his boyfriend received his diploma. When Dan was stressed out and anxious, Phil stood next to him and held his hand, if Dan allowed it. They’ve been through so much together, and Phil’s just sick of the term “boyfriend“, because that term doesn’t provide the stableness that “husband“ does. 

And Phil wants to call Dan his husband more than anything.

Maybe adopt children one d— 

Phil stops that idea before it can fully develop, or else he’ll start to get attached to it in the same way that he got attached to the idea of marrying Dan. 

“So you don’t think it’s a good idea?“ Phil asks, because that’s the vibe he’s getting from PJ.

“I’m not saying that it’s a bad idea. Just maybe-“ PJ trails off, and his eyes flit around the room as if trying to avoid Phil. “You should wait a bit longer. Maybe it’s too soon, you know?“

Phil leaves PJ’s flat soon after with a broken spirit that he doesn’t want to admit to. Too soon? That sounds like bullshit. He and Dan have been dating for years. How can it still be too soon after everything they’ve been going through? Phil begrudgingly thinks about the ring that’s hidden in the furthest corner of his drawer full of underwear, the one he’d been planning to present to Dan while on their weekend trip to the Lake District. Maybe it’ll just have to stay home instead.

___

The room is still dark when Phil wakes up at the sound of Dan’s whimpers. It takes Phil’s eyes a few seconds to focus to be able to read the digital alarm clock next to him announcing that it’s 02:39. 

Dan’s not thrashing around, but the sounds he’s emitting are enough to let Phil know that he’s trapped in his dreams again. Sometimes, Phil wonders if it would be better to have Dan stay asleep and wake up from his nightmares on his own, disoriented but not terrified the way he is when when he’s woken up by someone else. But it breaks Phil’s heart to hear his boyfriend suffer like that, and even though he knows that as soon as Dan wakes up, he’ll look at Phil with fear and distrust, Phil’s ready to swallow that bitter pill so his love doesn’t have to suffer in his sleep.

The first thing Phil does is turn on the lights, because he knows it’s easier for Dan to adjust if he sees where he is immediately, in a space that he deems safe on good days. The second thing Phil does is grab a sealed water bottle from the kitchen, because sometimes Dan will cry hard enough to get coughing fits, and he’ll refuse anything Phil hands him that’s unsealed, the way he did when he first moved in. 

The last step is to actually wake Dan up. There’s no right way to do it. Phil will start by talking to him in hopes that the noise will wake him, but he rarely succeeds. So he places a hand on Dan’s shoulder, or runs his fingers through curly brown hair. Gentle touches that Dan jokingly purrs at sometimes when they’re tangled up on the couch and watching movies together. 

“It’s time to wake up now, Dan. You’re safe,“ Phil says as he gently shakes Dan. 

Dan’s eyelids flutter open and then he bolts upright, shoulders tense and arms swatting off Phil’s hands. His eyes search the room frantically, before they finally settle on Phil and recognition flashes in them before they become muddled with fear. 

Some days Dan throws a fit, other days he runs away, but sometimes, it’s the physical comfort provided by Phil that he needs most after a bad dream. He hesitates as tears form in his eyes and roll down his reddened cheeks, and his bottom lip wobbles as his arms wrap around the blanket to hug it close to his body, and Phil understands. He reaches out and places his hand on Dan’s arm, ignores the flinch and squeezes carefully as Dan buries his face in the blanket and lets lose sobs violent enough to shake his entire body. He won’t allow Phil any closer than this, Phil knows that from experience, but still it’s Phil’s preferred option of Dan waking up after a nightmare, because at least Dan will allow him to give any kind of comfort at all, and that’s enough.

It doesn’t change the fact that Dan becomes distant over the next couple of days, even once their bags are packed and they’re on the way to the Lake District. 

The ring does come with Phil, because he can’t bring himself to leave it behind. However, Phil is suspicious that PJ had talked to Dan sometime after his most recent nightmare, and really it shouldn’t surprise him. Dan has been fidgety ever since he woke them up in the middle of the night. Anxious, but not in the usual kind of way that his anxiety seems to attack him in from time to time. There was the timid way he acted for a day after his nightmare, in which he wouldn’t let Phil come close to him at all. But then he’d accept hugs and ask for kisses again like he usually does, and even joked with Phil, but he’d still become distant. Sometimes, Phil will catch Dan’s gaze linger on him for longer than necessary. He’s constantly playing with whatever he can get between his fingers in a nervous way, but whenever Phil asks if he’s alright, Dan just startles and claims that everything’s fine. Lies, lies, lies. But there’s nothing that Phil can do about it if Dan doesn’t decide to be honest with him. 

So it really shouldn’t surprise Phil that PJ has potentially told Dan about his intentions, but Phil can’t help to feel disappointed nonetheless. He’s not going to go through with the proposal anyway, not when PJ has so obviously spelt out that Dan’s not ready, but the box containing the ring weighs heavy in the pocket of his coat, and whenever his fingers brush it, Phil feels like it’s burning his skin.

Dan is quiet on their way to the Lake District, and he’s still quiet when they arrive at their cottage. He’s not talkative during dinner, breakfast or lunch the next day, but he has no problem with letting Phil get close, doesn’t shy away from his touch. Whatever’s bothering him, it’s something other than his past.

And then Phil starts to fear that maybe if PJ told Dan his intentions, and Dan doesn’t want that, Dan will break up with him. The idea causes Phil to feel like his blood freezes in his veins, because no. That can’t be it. Dan wouldn’t break up with him. Not now. Not over this. They’ve accomplished so much together, they’ve come so far, so why would Dan want to end it all over something as stupid as marriage? They don’t have to marry now. They don’t have to ever marry, actually. As much as Phil would love to call Dan his husband, he’d rather refer to him as boyfriend than as an ex. 

They’re taking a walk through the beautiful natural landscape as that thought develops, and Phil’s breath actually hitches. Dan doesn’t seem to notice. He’s walking in front of Phil, head lowered and staring at the ground. They’re actually here because Dan appreciates the works of the Romantic poets that were influenced by this place, but not once has Dan shown any interest in his surroundings since they’ve arrived. 

Dan eventually leads them to one of the lakes, nestled into the hilly landscape and surrounded by trees. There’s not many people around because it’s October and the sky is gray, and from time to time a drizzle falls from the clouds and coats their clothes. 

Dan stops in front of the lake and stares out at it quietly. Phil’s hands are in his pockets, the right one desperately clutching the black box the pocket contains. What if he- 

\- chucks it into the water while Dan looks away, so he’ll never notice.

\- gets down on one knee and pulls it out and waits for Dan to turn around.

Phil’s heart beats rapidly. He could do it. Either of these options. Throw the ring away and pretend it never happened, and maybe then Dan will return to normal when he realizes that he doesn’t have to bind himself to Phil forever. Or he can kneel down and see Dan’s reaction, and if Dan says no, he can still throw it into the lake and no one will ever have to know. 

He pulls out the little box and opens it, stares down at the ring as Dan is still enthralled with the lake sprawled out before them. The view is beautiful, but really not as beautiful as Dan. It starts to rain again as Phil gets down on one knee behind Dan. He’s considering talking, but he doesn’t know what he should say. He has no words to express what he feels for Dan, and he’s too scared to talk because he fears the rejection that he’s sure will come. 

“We need to talk,“ is what Dan says, but he’s still facing the lake, so Phil only hears it faintly. His hands are in the pockets of his coat, and Phil’s heart sinks at Dan’s words. Those words never bear good news. Phil wonders if Dan has brought him out here to break up with him. Over what though? Is he not happy with Phil anymore? If yes, what can Phil change about that? He’s willing to change himself, or everything else, even. And honestly, they don’t have to get married just because it’s Phil’s stupid idea. Phil’s had plenty of stupid ideas before that he didn’t go through with; they can do the same thing with this one too.

Phil wants to get up again from the ground where the wet grass is probably staining the one knee that’s pressed into it, stand up and hide the ring, or actually throw it into the lake. But, before he has the chance to do any of that, Dan turns around with an astonished expression on his face, eyes wide and lips slightly parted, lovely brown hair ruffling in the wind. 

He’s taken his hands out of his coat as he turned around, Phil notices belatedly, and that’s when his eyes fall on a small red box clutched in Dan’s left hand that looks stunningly similar to the one Phil currently holds in his own hand. 

“Oh,“ Phil says, and because his brain seems to have short-circuited, “you’re not going to break up with me.“

“No,“ Dan answers, looking equally as shocked as Phil does. “I mean, yes. I mean—“

He stumbles over his words, and blushes. Then the ridiculousness of the situation gets to Phil, and he starts to laugh so hard that he topples over. “I can’t believe,“ he snorts, “that we proposed to each other at the same time. I’m guessing PJ didn’t tell you anything, then?“

“You told PJ?“ Dan asks incredulously. 

“I did, and he said it was a stupid idea.“

Dan sits down on the ground as well, visibly confused by what’s just happened. 

“And then you went all quiet on me, and I thought that he’d told you and you’d want to break up with me, because you don’t want to marry me.“

“I was so fucking nervous,“ Dan admits as he absentmindedly opens and closes the box in his hands, revealing a beautiful silver ring nestled within, “because you used to say that you don’t think much of marriage.“

“That was before I had you, Dan,“ Phil murmurs fondly. 

The rain has gotten stronger and by now they’re completely soaked, but neither man seems to particularly care. 

“So is that a yes?“ Dan asks. “Do you want to marry me?“

Instead of answering, Phil reaches for one of Dan’s hands, taking the ring he bought out of the box and sliding it on Dan’s finger. 

“Mine,“ he says softly, and the way Dan’s face lights up as he smiles brightens up Phil’s world so much that he doesn’t even notice the rain pelting down on them anymore. 

“Yours forever,“ Dan answers, and slips the other ring on Phil’s finger. 

 

On their wedding day, Dan will be half an hour late, because he’s Dan, who’s never going to be capable of looking at a clock. Phil will lose his mind, and if Dan won’t show up soon he’ll threaten to tear apart the flower arrangement of purple tulips in front of all their guests. But as soon as Dan arrives with an apologetic smile on his face and looking stunning in his suite, it’s all forgiven. Because Dan has his shortcomings and Phil loves them just as much as everything else about Dan, because they’re a part of him, just like Dan loves all the shortcomings of Phil. 

But Dan will really have to work on his punctuality. After all, they might want to finalize their adoption plans someday soon. And if that happens, Phil can’t allow for his husband to always pick up their child late from school.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading about these two dorks as much as I enjoyed writing about them again. :) 
> 
>  
> 
> [Come talk to me on tumblr.](http://theshyauthor.tumblr.com)


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